why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
