Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
