Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
