True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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