why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
