I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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