You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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