At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
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