I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
