Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
