So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You ate ashes out of my bong
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
