Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Randomize
