so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
