I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
