Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
there is glitter all over my balls
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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