I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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