Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
