I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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