she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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