Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
