My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
