I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
