i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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