I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
