we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
