My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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