I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
