I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
