well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
