I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
