I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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