just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
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I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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