i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
