my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
