I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
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I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
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I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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