why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So much rum. So many feels.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
