she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
