did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I believe in your delicious
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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