I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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