Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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