im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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