She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
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This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
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I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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