last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He? As in you personified your dick?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
