apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
