We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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