Buhtt sex?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
