I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
