explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
