Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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