Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I cockslap morals
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
