How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
it's great music for shaving your balls
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
