I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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