I'm passing your future prison.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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