dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
