Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
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Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
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It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3