my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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