Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
