Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
