I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
