i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
